Well, friends. I did the hard thing. I decided to shave my head and then I did it. And I did it for a lot of reasons. I had been dreading this moment the most since I was diagnosed. I actually liked my hair and spent a not-small amount of money to get it exactly the color and style I wanted. So much money.
I was so dreading the idea of losing it. I hated the idea of looking like a cancer patient. I didn’t want to look sick. I didn’t like the idea of not having control over that part. Perhaps more than that, I was dreading the idea of my hair falling out in the shower or finding huge clumps on my pillow.
So I decided to take matters in to my own hands. The decision point actually became pretty clear as things progressed. I came across a few recommendations in a breast cancer Facebook group for something called a “halo wig” that can be made from your own hair. A halo is not a full wig and is made to be worn with a hat. It’s supposed to be more comfortable than a regular wig because the top is soft and it’s not quite as hot. Quite a few women had tried it and really liked it and said that it gave them a sense of self back.
I thought about the wigmaker I met with a while ago and emailed to see if he might be able to make one for me. He wrote back that he doesn’t really do them (not worth the time and effort) and called the halo the “sweat pants of wigs.” I laughed so hard. It still makes me laugh. I think he meant it derisively, but it basically solidified my decision. Honestly, what’s not to love about sweat pants?
So, the place where I bought my fancy wig offers to shave your head for you. It’s a beautiful, salon-like setting and the people who work there are really kind. I decided that it was the best place to do the deed. I’m sure that if I had asked, my family members would have done it for me. But it also seemed liked a lot to ask of loved ones. It’s emotional for everyone.
So Bethany (Sister) and Mom joined Sean and I and we kept the girls home from school in the morning so they could be there. There truly isn’t a better support team on the planet. BW even wore her rainbow wig. I am honestly overwhelmed with gratitude every day for these people in my life. I could write for years about how beautiful it is when people show up for each other. And they are SHOWING UP. Oh, my heart.
And when the time came to shave to my head, I couldn’t watch but I felt surprisingly calm. BW held my hand and we were brave for each other. And when she turned me around to look at myself in the mirror, it wasn’t as scary as I thought. I saw that I’m still there. My eyes still focus on my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror. Even more so now. The hair is just extra.
And another big fear was smashed: I don’t have a lumpy head. So if I have to be bald for a little while, at least I have a good shaped head.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s still a huge adjustment. I’m still trying to figure out which version of bad-ass bald women I’m going to channel: G.I. Jane, Grace Jones, Sigourney Weaver in Alien. So many options. Actually, a friend said I looked like a Star Trek babe. I’ll take that too. And I’m listening to “I Am Not My Hair” by india.arie on repeat. (BTW, whe wrote the last verse about breast cancer after watching Melissa Etheridge perform at the Grammys while she was bald from chemo.)
But here’s what I’m learning: We can do hard things. We can do hard things together. And when you finally face the thing that you were the most afraid of, it turns out it can be not so scary after all.
People keep telling me that I’m brave or courageous. Or that they don’t know how I’m doing it. And believe me, I’m so appreciative of the thought. I LOVE these words. But there’s something I want to be super clear about: I have a daily fight not to let fear sit in the driver’s seat. And man, some of those fears are deep and dark and terrifying. But it’s really not about trying to make the fear go away. I do know that’s a massive lost battle. But I think it is about figuring out how to give that fear a space, but not too big of a space.
Brené Brown talks about being in the arena and reserving a few seats for the gremlins. They’re going to show up anyway, so we might as well reserve a seat for them. But that’s all they get. And I’m finding that the act of actively sitting with the fear/gremlins has this way of limiting their power over me. And sometimes that’s enough to get through the day. But these days add up. And that’s something.
PS - Check out the fancy wig in the pics below. Fancy wigs are awesome.
